I’ve had some petty rants and painful quotes bouncing around my head lately – so, in order to dispose of that mental clutter with all speed, I’ve clumped them into one piece.
First and foremost: who are you mental defectives who throw burning cigarette butts onto the ground and/or out your car window? Please stand up and explain yourselves. What kind of childish gesture is this? This has irritated me since I was a kid. I mean, I will absolutely defend your right to smoke. Tobacco ain’t my thing – but if it’s yours, fine. But do not ask me and my fellow taxpayers to clean up after your habit – that is your responsibility. If heroin shooters were discarding their used syringes on the street, there’d be little difference. These things start fires, look disgusting, cost public and private dollars to clean up, and you look like an ignorant ass when you toss one. Is there no ashtray in your car? Can you not walk the extra four feet to a waste receptacle? I cannot think of a legitimate defense for this behavior. Anyone?
Second: unless it came out of a soft-serve machine at 7-11, it is not an “expresso.”
Third: unless it makes ATMs, it is not an “ATM machine.” Please stop saying this, and for the love of GOD, stop making SIGNS that say this. The same rule applies to cashiers who ask me to enter my “PIN number.”
Fourth: stop talking about people who “die instantly.” I am sorry, but in the matter of biological death, everyone dies instantly. You’re alive until you die. Doesn’t Carlin have a riff on this? I couldn’t dig it up. But in the meantime, I command you to stop.
Fifth: stop saying “alcohol and drugs” or “alcohol or drugs.” Alcohol is a drug, and a very dangerous one. I am not making any kind of moral judgment here on the use thereof – I am simply saying that it is an inaccurate term. One is a subset of the other, so it’s like saying “candy or sweets.”
And in closing, here are a couple quotes to help you through the day:
“Honestly, I actually did not know what was going to happen with the plane – y’know – so, I didn’t know it was gonna crash; I thought maybe they were gonna save themselves…”
– A young man interviewed by WHDH-TV outside Loews’ Theater at Boston Common, after seeing the movie United 93.
“I’m kindof upset with the fact that they didn’t tell us earlier about it… some people weren’t watching the news .. so they didn’t know they needed to lock their doors… even though you should lock your doors… and be aware of [your] surroundings… but they didn’t know they needed to do that because they weren’t told until Tuesday or Wednesday.”
– Clemson student Rachel Sullivan, reacting to the “bikini top” murder of a fellow student, abdicating any and all responsibility for her own safety and well-being to a mysterious entity called “they”.